Thursday, 6 February 2014

On a very loud and tiring brain

My head is very loud, most of the time. It's very rarely quiet in there. I have found that mental illness rarely comes as a single entity but rather as a package deal. Joking aside (although joking about it does help me a lot actually) you never get to deal with just one thing at once. It's a tangled web up there.

I feel like writing about my anxiety though more specifically. Partly because it's been worse recently and I thought this might help me and others but also because well, I just feel like it.

Recently it's been particularly loud up in my brain. I struggle to get to sleep and when I do I nearly always wake up at 5am. This means I am constantly tired, this in turn makes my pendulum of mood swings swing harder and faster perpetuating a rather dangerous cycle. I often wake up with stomach aches and feel sick. I tend to get these feelings off and on during the day. I also have a near constant headache, shoulders & back also ache tremendously.

One of the worst parts of my anxiety is social anxiety. This is in part perpetuated by the street harassment I get pretty much daily as it makes me not want to leave my house. I have a near constant voice in my head telling me that everyone hates me even though of course I know this isn't true. I know this isn't true because I have wonderful friends who I see regularly. I have a lovely boyfriend who does thoroughly enjoy spending time with me. I also have a mother who is very supportive and we are in contact every day. See they don't hate me. So why do I keep telling myself that everyone does?

This voice does however tend to make me quite an intense person to be around. I am often on edge. I am so worried about saying weird things that well I end up saying weird things. I make odd jokes that aren't funny at all. I can also be very shy and difficult to talk to because I'm not always 100% sure how to do human interaction. This means sometimes people think I hate them. Actually a lot of people seem to think that at first which obviously makes me feel terrible. People reading this, I don't hate you!!!

I'm not so great at being touched (for many reasons we shan't delve into) which means I occasionally flinch when people touch me. I can hazard a guess that it's something that's quite confusing for many. Honestly speaking I switch fast between loving being touched by people to in the next moment absolutely hating it.

There are certain places I can't go because it makes it a lot worse. If somewhere is incredibly busy and I'm already on edge I will struggle. Certain kinds of places makes me very uncomfortable. You'd probably guess which ones, the Tiger Tiger's of this world. The kind of places frequented by bankers etc. I don't feel safe in places like that so my anxiety levels shoot up.

Unfortunately my anxiety doesn't really make any sense so I can't always know when and how it's going to hit. Such is life in this package deal of mine.

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