Thursday, 22 August 2013

On Facebook stalking and odious comparisons.

I did something very silly today, I looked at the Facebook page of one of the girls my ex boyfriend (who I've very recently got back together with) had liaisons with whilst we were apart. It was silly because a, it shouldn't matter b, it has only served to make me upset and c, she is incredibly beautiful so I began to compare myself to her.

She is most likely a rounded human being with perfections and imperfections alike but in my head she is now a beautiful, perfect goddess. It doesn't help that she is genuinely quite the beauty. Now here's the worst part, she is thin, much thinner than I. As someone who is recovering from ED (it may have been a long time ago now but you are essentially always "recovering") it's difficult in a way that many people will fail to comprehend. She is thin, she is something that I am not and however healthy and happy I may be (or show the world that I am) something I desperately long to be. I am better, I think about it less and my relationship with food now is healthy, full of wonder and curiosity. However these things are a trigger, comparing myself to a woman whom I might have been attracted to myself if had I met her. Odious comparisons based on nothing but photos of a very beautiful woman.

I do not like to talk about my MH issues very publicly (or online) not because I am ashamed but because I am scared and I do not wish to be defined as a whole by a part of who I am. I do not wish for pity or for people to be careful with me. So I apologise to those who do not know me in person if ever my posts are a little vague.

My only thought however irrational, untrue or down-right stupid is "she is thin & beautiful, I am not".

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.